Goodbye ICAN

I was trying really hard not to come about this publicly, but after the news I heard today, I am heartbroken, distraught and have no words left.

Four years ago, on my search for a VBAC, I found ICAN and was instantly warmed by the hearts of the board members, the women on the list and most of all, the power of this circle of women that was instilled upon me. For 4 years I served as the ICAN of New York City chapter leader and while for the past year, my chapter was not very active because of personal things I had going on, I tried to tough it out as I knew how vital having a chapter in New York City was. I just came out of a 6 year marriage where I was physically and emotionally abused. In the past 2 years I had a strong friendship with someone, who in the past year began to beat me, both physically and emotionally. I became severely depressed. I've been sad all the time and haven't really wanted to do the things that I once loved to do. My heart was broken TWICE in the last few years, first my husband and then my friend. Now, ICAN broke my heart. As of today, I have been terminated as the ICAN of New York City chapter leader because I offered my doula services to a couple of people, but when I was told that it was inappropriate, I stopped, for failure to re-open a bank account after my old bank closed all my accounts in my name due to things going on with my ex-husband, and for failure to have an ICAN meeting after we lost our meeting space, but no one wanted to come out to where I live so I can hold the meetings. Then I was told that things needed to be restructured and I still had the option to become the ICAN of Manhattan chapter leader but that I need a co-leader, which is hard enough to find as it is. I have spent the last couple of weeks in search of a co-leader and was told I had till the end of January to find one. I had spoken to a couple of people regarding becoming a co-leader but now sitting down and talking to them about it in depth is out of the question. I even got in touch with a meeting space and was waiting to see if we can begin to hold meetings there. Today, I was told that ICAN's board has decided for me that I can't handle being a leader with the events I've had going on in my life. I am heart broken and my trust for anyone has hit rock bottom. When I joined ICAN 4 years ago, I believed that I would never be hurt and that this was the one group of women that actually "got it." Here I am today, feeling the way I felt after my cesarean. That the members of the board are the doctor and I'm the patient so things have to be done their way.

So if I've ever hurt anyone on this list, I am sorry. I want you all to know one thing, that the women who have been there for me, Rosa Bianco, Amanda Martin, Rachel Zeller, Raechel Fredrickson, Krista Cornish-Scott, Lisa Ishee, Lisa Pratt, Stacey Gregg, Michelle Buckman, Shannon Mitchell, Lexi Diaz, Susan Nalbach, and anyone who I might have forgotten. Thank you. Thank you for being there when I needed you the most.

Why can't I just be loved for me.....

Why can't I just be loved for me? Why does it always have to be because of everything else and because I can hold myself down? Why does it have to be that I'm a kind hearted person and everyone always takes advantage of me? Why does it have to be that I'm the one that always gets hurt? I am so tired of being hurt. I just want to be loved and cared for. I want someone to hold me and tell me that everything will be ok and it is going to be ok. I'm tired of being lied to, being taken advantaged of and I'm tired of having to deal with the bullshit that I've always dealt with. Everytime I start to feel like things will be ok this time and better, but they turn out to be alot worst. What am I doing wrong? What can I do to make things better? Someone please help me!

And so the summer begins.....

And so the summer begins, Officially...... LOL! K is in Greece for the next 6 weeks and M and I will be spending some time in Long Island. I'm home this week, just to get some things together and then away next week. Then I will be away for a week or so and hopefully going out of state. Things are looking a little better. Although not a lot. The injury to my back is getting worst over time, and the doctor said that I have to start using a cane. It really sucks. I know that now going back to work is going to be harder than ever, but we'll see what happens as time goes on. He also suggested I have the knee surgery now that I'm out on comp. So once we come back from vacation, I will be seeing the Ortho and trying to get into surgery, I guess the sooner the better in my book. Other than that, I'm just trying to take it easy. I still fee lonely at times and I wish I was closer to my family, especially now that everyone is away.

I'm sure I'll be back to write soon, I just have some things to do tonight.

So I know I haven't posted in forever....

I know I haven't really posted what's been going on in forever.

Truth is, I've been really busy and we recently moved so things have been crazier than ever. I feel lonely. I don't know anyone out here and this is not really the place to "make Friends". I really don't know what to think at this point, except that, I miss being in a relationship. I miss feeling loved, being pampered, having someone to sleep next to and being held every night. I miss feeling like I'm coming home to someone. I miss being loved. I started to have that again with someone that I thought loved me, but I've come to the realization that he doesn't love me the way I love him and I don't know what to do about it. I'm scared to be alone and I don't want to let go. I can talk to him about anything. Honestly, I can tell him absolutely anything in the world, do anything in the world around him, and I feel 100 percent comfortable. But he doesn't love me.

For example, Last week I fracture my foot and since then, he hasn't been the same. He's been very cold and distant, and I can't handle it. It's like he's afraid to touch me cause I'm hurt, and right now, I'm more vulnerable than ever. I NEED him, I need his love, I need all of him. I feel like complete and total shit. On top of that, with all that's happened, I feel like I'm entering a stage of depression. I don't know what to do. I really don't.

The kids on the other hand are doing very well, with the exception of how M behaves at times, but boys will be boys. K is doing very well in school and goes to Kindergarten in September. I knwo, I know, the years have really flown by. I wish that someone could just tell me what to do. People around me are saying that I'm being selfish in feeling this way, but I feel like there's more to it. It's not that I don't love my kids, I do. It's not that I'm lazy, ignorant, or anything like that. It's that physically, I have Fibromyalgia, which we've known for a while now, I have a form of Arthritis, in which we don't know exactly what kind yet, my thyroid has been out of whack, and well, I've been stressed with the divorce and all. So how on earth can I handle all of this without loosing it? How? Can someone please tell me? I don't know, I guess life sucks....

Missing - A poem

This morning I got up, my ipod was gone

not the first time things dissapeared from my home

All people wanna do is try and take advantage of me

but how I'll change now, their eyes will open and they shall see.

It's not right, disrespectful, immoral and wrong

I just wanted to sit back, just relax and hear my song. 

But no, Motherfuckers wanna play me, 

they don't care how I feel

They're selfish, only thinking about themselves

talking about me behind my ear

But I had enough already, 

Get The Fuck out my house

First Jewerly, then money, then the camera and the lens, did you think I'd not notice? 

Oh wait, you're too dense. 

Enough already, stop taking advantage of me...

I'm nice person, why treat me this way

but whatever, just go away and let me be

People don't pick up their shit, don't show enough respect

But if I did it to them, I'd be wrong dont'cha know

they don't care about me, only themselves

so what more should I expect?

Not sure where to start...

So the last few months have been extremely crazy.  I've been dealing with being in pain nearly 24/7 unless I'm on pain meds, to court, the kids, and life.  I mean, I really don't even know where to begin. 

As you know, I had a hard time with my cycles and they are normalizing for the first time in a long time, and the crazy part is that I didn't even do anything to them. They just regulated on their own.  Court has been a little crazy.  The kids get to see their dad on supervised visits with supervision by their uncle, after he tried to play it off like my grandmother could no longer supervise the visits just because she fell (she tripped) holding M's hand and they both fell, and so he said that she "can't handle them".  He's such a douchebag.  Seriously.  

The kids are doing well.  Both were in school, until Welfare screwed up and stopped paying M's school because they made a mistake on some stuff.  So now, he's out of school until they start paying again and until I find a new school for him since he lost his spot at school.  K is doing extremely well in school and is having a blast doing it. LOL!

I'm still apartment hunting, and I pray to god I find something over the next two weeks.  I need to just get out of here.  This place is getting crazy.  As you know, I had to get a roomate to be able to afford this place, but even now with some things going on, I don't know how much longer I can deal with this stuff.  

Aside from all this stuff, emotionally, I'm not doing so great.  I'm really becoming affected by the whole break up.  I miss having a companion, someone to talk to. I miss having a good relationship, even though I haven't had a really GOOD relationship in 8 years.  Some days, I just want to be able to cuddle and watch a movie, without having to worry that this may be the last time I'll ever be able to do this again.   On top of everything, some bad news hit the fan last week and I thought that someone near and dear to my heart was going to leave this world forever, but for some reason, she's clinging on and so I know that there's a purpose for it.  

I guess I'm just emotionally distraught.  I'm confused.  I don't really know what my purpose is here and where I wanna go.  I just know that at this point, I'm being pulled in various different directions and it's all for good reasons.  Different opportunities are opening up for me and I have no idea how to handle it or what to do about it.  I wish that someone can give me a sign telling me that this is where I need to be and this is what I need to do.  I know that with everything you do in life, there comes risks, good ones and bad ones, but at this point, I'm questioning what direction my life should head.  Both paths have good and bad, both paths lead me to one of my two career goals and I don't know which way to really go.  

On another note: 

Last night, my daughter said to me "Mommy, Can I take my camera with me when I go to XYZ?" and I said to her, Of course you can.  Then we saw a baby on the train, and she began to ask questions about where babies come from.  At one point, she got up, and said, "Wait Mommy, I know how they are born, (she started to make some noises, squatted down) a mommy just pushes the baby out just like that and there's a baby. But what I'm asking is how do they get in their mommy's belly".   I tried brushing it off like I couldn't talk about it right now, because we were on the train, but she said, "Well, Giagia told me where they come from.  She said when a mommy and daddy love each other, they make a baby. Is that true?"  And I said YES! LOL!  But it got me thinking that if this is all coming from my 4 year old daughter, then I'm in big trouble.  My kid is a lot like her mother and well.....I know that this is only the beggining and the questions have just begun.....

I went back to writing....

So I went back to writing poetry.

Here is one of my latest pieces of work...


My heart is aching, it wants to feel love
I hope and pray to the man above
I'm tired of hurting
I'm tired of crying
All I want is to be held when I go to sleep
The aggravation, frustration builds up inside
I want to let go, I can't I've tried
Your love always in my heart, I keep.

My heart is breaking, it's fallen apart
I should have known right from the start
Love isn't meant to last
I should have learned that from the past

Some day, Some how, I want to love again
but for right now, I'll keep to myself
Play my cards right and find a bargain
To be totally honest, I miss the companionship
someone to talk to, someone to fight with
I want to have my man glued right to my hip
He needs to be honest, truthful and strong
Tough and not afraid of nothing, like a Hercules myth
This is the type of thing that my heart forever longs

I hope that one day, I'll have the one I love
I look to the sky and wish upon a star above
That some day, you'll be mine
cause you damn sure look fine.

I want to give you everything you ever did want,
I wish I could give you, the sun, moon and stars
maybe just some money, cribs and cars
You know I think I about you, even when we're apart
certain things I wish I knew, right from the start.

So maybe there is some love, way deep down inside
it's trying to come, but I won't let, right now it's got to hide.