Down in the dumps

For the past year, I haven't needed to go back to the psychiatrist, I've been overall happy, and not under stress I can't handle. Between last night and today, it's dragged me back. I need to go back. I can't handle everything anymore. I feel like I have too much built up inside. I've fallen for someone that most of my family will dissaprove of cause he's half black. I feel like everyone hates me. My grandmother wants to come over and "talk", I don't wanna talk to anyone today. I wanna just be left alone. Last night C wanted to argue with me over going to the studio with J all day yesturday.

It's almost as if I can't run my own life and do my own thing. I'm constantly babysitted by people and I don't want to be anymore. I'm not a freakin child. I'm an adult and I can do adult things if I want to. I've asked C for a divorce several times, but he won't give it to me, so I'm just going to fight it in court if I have to. I just want to sit here and cry. It eats me up inside to know that there are people around me that I have loved my entire life and they can't understand that I like someone that's another race. Big freakin deal, the pigmentation in our skin is different, but when I go to Greece and come back, my skin color is almost as dark as his. It's ridiculous and crazy. There are two people in this world that keep me on my feet and they are the reason that I'm still here and standing, and that K and M.

I want all of you blog readers to know, that if K and M had not been born, I probably would have tried a lot of other stupid shit. For one thing, I might not have even been here to be writing this to you. They keep me on my toes and they are the reason I'm still here. For those of you who don't know, I have been through hell and back this past year. I have fought long and hard to be who I am today. Whether it's for work, the kids, or school. I'm starting school again in September. But for those that put me down and constantly judge me, I don't appreciate it and some day, they won't be very happy with the consenquences of the constant preassure.

Everyone who has known me for a long time, knows that I can handle stress, but when it gets out of hand, I don't handle it very well and I need some sort of a break away from it. When that happens, I get up and I leave. 8 years ago when this happened, I got up and went to Greece with my grandmother, in 2006, I left for Tennesee for a few weeks, and most recently, I went to Montana for a month. But this time, I might just get up and move away for a couple of years. I'm really, really tempted too. Not that it would solve anything other than me having to be more responsible, however, it will get me away from all of the other stress. The stress of having people over you thinking that they can tell you what you can and cannot do when you're suppose to be the adult. I appreciate the advice, but guess what? That's all it is, it's advice, it's not an order. No one in this world has the right to order me around.